Scripts

The Agnostics

Content & purpose - Not a CADS sketch, but a clever idea that might prick the audience into questioning where they stand. Two smart-looking men proclaim themselves to be 'evangelistic' agnostics, and thus satirise themselves and their lack of understanding.

Cast - 2 men

Props - Smart suits and clipboards

Starting Positions - Two men enter, dressed like insurance salesmen, with large clipboards under their arms

1
We know what you're thinking!
2
You're thinking…
1
Mormons!
2
Go on - be honest, you were, weren't you?
1
And you were getting worried because you thought we were going to wallop you over the head with our Book of Mormon and drag you away to a Mormon temple where they wire people up to million volt Frankenstein machines and turn them into Mormons. Weren't you?
2
Well, you're wrong! We know what it's like to be done over by Mormons and Hare Krishnas and pig worshippers, and we're striking back. We trail Jehovah's Witnesses to their home, and we creep up to their doors at night and ring the bell and shout:
1
"Wanna read a magazine about agnosticism?"
2
You see, we think it's high time agnosticism went on the offensive. Agnosticism is the religion of the future. Completely flexible. Doesn't tie you to anything specific. And at the same time commends you a broad-minded and tolerant of other people's views. He's a Hindu. She's a Rastafarian.
1
And the dog's into Freudianism. We make no distinctions, the agnostic welcomes all. Just make sure you don't invite Saddam and Bush to the same dinner party. Oh, and nice to see you, General Pinochet. Pink gin? Yes - if you'd just leave the body bag outside…
2
Of course the major selling point of agnosticism is its intellectual integrity. None of this namby-pambying around with metaphysics. If anyone comes up with that old existential brainteaser "Why are you alive?", the answer is: "You don't know"
1
In fact, for agnostics, that's the answer to most things. You don't know, we don't know, they don't know, nobody knows, and everybody's happy. To be an agnostic, all you have to do is remember the golden rule:
Both
Not knowing is the best excuse for not trying to find out!
2
Because if you found out, you wouldn't be an agnostic any more, would you? Needless to say, avoid the Mormons. And never,
1
… ever
2
… ever
1
… ever
2
go near a Christian Church. They may try to bore you to death, but underneath they're subversives. Any religion that involves peace, love, truth and a resurrection must be off the deep end. And remember, if anyone asks you in, there's always a good reason for refusing:
1
Think what your friends will say
2
What -
1
You?
2
Church?
1
Never
2
You're kidding
1
Really?
Both
What a - wally!
2
Works every time. Now - anything you want to ask us before we go?
1
No?
2
(listening to the audience) Yes! Is Christianity true? Oh, very astute!
1
A classic question…
2
… deserving a classic answer. To be honest - we don't know…
Both
Do we?

The END


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